LIVE from the Grocery Store

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These days, my idea of living dangerously is going grocery shopping without a list.  

-Someone on the internet

I already shared this story on Facebook, but I thought the event was humorous enough to repost on here. Enjoy!

A Normal Facebook Status

Haha I was just at the grocery store, and someone kept messing with the sound system. They kept changing the music every 5 seconds and playing songs like super loud and the manager couldn’t get them to stop. 😂 😂 😂  #groceryshopping #blessed #tacotuesday #tomato

My Facebook Status

“Hello, I’m here reporting LIVE from Food4Less, where a battle over the sound system is currently taking place. At approximately 1:54pm, strange music started playing throughout the store. It began with banda, then suddenly cut to club music for 30 seconds before switching to Andrea Bocelli singing ‘Time to Say Goodbye.’ The volume has been steadily rising and is now blasting through the store.”

Bocelli’s vocals drown out reporter. Camera pans out to show confused employees, including one very startled butcher. Camera returns to reporter, now shouting into microphone: “Witnesses are describing the event as ‘jarring, alarming, vastly unprofessional, and highly unusual’.”

Reporter turns microphone to smiling shopper: “Yeah this is weird. Hi MOM!!!! I got 2 packs of tostadas. Hope that’s —”

Both suddenly duck as a stern voice comes over the intercom: “Good afternoon, shoppers. Whoever is messing with the sound system, PLEASE STOP.”

Music changes to loud piano then quickly to a love ballad.

As “Where is the love?” plays in the background, reporter looks back at the camera: “Store management is attempting their best to regain control of the situation. So far, neither ISIS nor Dick Clark Productions have claimed any responsibility in the matter. We will continue to provide live updates as more information becomes available. Back to you, Jerry!”

Before screen cuts to studio footage, the intercom blares: “ALL CASHIERS, PLEASE REPORT TO THE FLOOR. That means you too, Sheryl.”

(This was a fictionalized telling of a very real event. In other words, I think I just had the best grocery shopping trip ever.)

As you can see, I take real pride in my Facebook statuses, always aiming to be factual while avoiding the hyperbolic. In regards to this particular incident, I’ll add that it was a bizarre experience shopping for lunch meats with Bocelli playing in the background. I half expected to run into the love of my life on aisle 4. Alas, I was only starring in a journalism thriller and not a romcom.

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4 thoughts on “LIVE from the Grocery Store

    • haha thanks! I believe writing Facebook statuses is an art form to be taken very seriously. I appreciated your comment so much, I’ll copy/paste another status that recently got me a lot of likes:
      Today I learned that the middle/high school equivalent of saying a couple is “Facebook official” is to write “taken [insert date]🔒” in one’s Instagram bio.
      I’m glad I was told this because I would’ve called the police to report a kidnapped minor, who had cleverly found a way to call for help using social media.
      In other words, I’m getting old.

  1. Pingback: Dear Person Who Just Unfriended Me On Facebook | Make the Welkin Dance

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