It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Mary made a quick stop at a local grocery store to buy apples. She reached for an apple that seemed to meet her fruit standards. Immediately, she realized someone had already taken a bite of the apple. The apple slipped through her fingers as she cringed. She grabbed a different apple, then another, and then one more. To her horror, Mary discovered that all the gala apples had the same bite marks. The red delicious were left untouched.
Mary stepped back, clearly disgusted. That’s when she saw a young man taking her picture with his phone.
Mere minutes after Mary calls over the manager, the following hashtags start trending: #HowBoutThemApples #whodunit #DudeWheresMyApple
News networks tweet too, as do celebrities and several mildly famous screenwriters. One person tweets: “A bite of apple a day, keeps the customers away.” It’s retweeted 1.5 million times.
Writers get working on a BuzzFeed quiz: “What do your bite marks say about you?”
BuzzFeed News reports: “Apples to Apples: The Disparity between Red Delicious vs. Gala”
Don Lemon explains that “Gwyneth Paltrow could not be reached for comment.” CNN shows a picture of Paltrow (wearing sunglasses) and her daughter, Apple, walking in the park
Don Lemon then introduces 5 experts for the daily Twitter panel, spending the next 93 minutes deconstructing all the tweets with the #HowBoutThemApples.
Under the banner BREAKING NEWS, the rolling script reports in small white letters something about a hostage situation in Houston.
Reports on the alternative facts and invites a forensic specialist to talk about apples.
Top article discusses the financial decline of apple markets. Clarifies that they’re not talking about Apple.
A guest blogger writes on the political implications of choosing the right apple, especially if it means taking home a half-eaten apple.
Didn’t bother watching.
Person 1: Long rant taking stance on the apple debate.
Person 2: Posts a viral meme of Mary, looking clearly disgusted.
Person 3: Comments on Person 1’s post. They argue viciously for 20 more comments.
Person 4: Writes a rude joke about Mary.
Person 1: Unfriends Person 3.
Person 3: Writes long rant about the issue and about Person 1 unfriending them.
Person 2: Posts Now This 10-second video on the apple fiasco.
Person 5: Posts long letter people can copy/paste to send to state representatives concerning the apple conspiracy.
The Washington Post
Releases leaked security footage from the grocery store.
Uncovers supposed romantic scandal between Mary and mystery phone man. Features picture of Mary, looking clearly disgusted.
The New York Times
Publishes an exclusive on Mary’s life story, including whether she would ever be open to doing a Dateline special.
Writes about the Houston situation.
(Sidenote: I imagine that a satirical newspaper within a satirical blog post would write about actual news.)
Mark Levin: “I’m surrounded by IDIOTS.”
Late Night Comedians
Jokes about apples. Jokes about Mary. Jokes about information withheld by the grocery store. More sizzling political commentary mistaken as news.
Local News Station
Reports on traffic and a 10-minute segment on what’s now being called “Applegate.”
4,561 word post titled “My first apple and other things I’ve forgotten.”
3, 102 word article “Finding Mary.”
A boomerang video of someone eating an apple followed by 54 pictures of sunsets.
In the year 2017, everyone is a part-time researcher, part-time fact checker, and full-time commentator. Few things are considered worse than not having an opinion.