The unanimous Declaration of One Woman whilst shopping for clothing in the United States of America.
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one woman to single out her greatest grievances surrounding the production and design of women’s clothing, to assume among the people of the earth a position different from that which they have hitherto occupied, but one to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to such a course.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the purchase of quality clothing; that to secure these clothes, shopping malls and department stores are instituted, deriving their powers from the laws of economics and fashion. That whenever any clothing trend is deemed unfit to wear, it is the right of those who suffer from it to refuse allegiance to it, to complain freely online and on social media, and to insist upon the institution of new clothing trends, laying their foundation on such principles and organizing their powers in such form, as to most likely result in the happiness and satisfaction of the wearer.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that fashion trends long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, and accordingly all experience hath shewn that womankind are more disposed to suffer high heels, while such heels/evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing uncomfortable shoes to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpation, blisters and twisted ankles, pursuing invariably the same end result of pain and grumbling evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to kick off such instruments of torture, and to demand nice shoes that can be worn without pinky toes crying out in agony. Such sentiments encompass not only footwear, but the whole of women’s fashion.
Such has been the patient sufferance of women attempting to find something nice to wear, and such is now the necessity which constrains them to demand better clothing to which they are entitled. The history of women’s fashion is a history of repeated unflattering options and uncomfortable fit, having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over the market, thereby forcing women to buy more clothing they dislike. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
The common misconception that women have no need for pockets, whether that be on pants, shorts, skirts, dresses, jackets, coats, etc.
Additionally, fake pockets that give women false hope, and tiny pockets fit to carry pennies and safety pins but not a smartphone.
T-shirts that would otherwise be cute except say awkward phrases such as, “I woke up like this,” “Hug Dealer,” or “Yoga. Coffee. Naps.”
The ubiquity of thin material that lasts approximately 1.5 washes.
Completely see-through blouses and dresses that utterly fail the primary function of clothing and require three additional layers to provide protection against the elements and be suitable for work.
The total arbitrary nature of women’s pants sizes. “Why use a standard metric of measurement when we can span multiple sizes at once and wallow in confusion?!” thought no woman ever. Women’s shirt sizes are not that far removed from sudoko, either.
Sleeveless and/or cropped sweaters, and any other alterations to winter clothing that may result in frostbite.
Thin, plaid long-sleeve shirts that pail in comparison to men’s thick and cozy flannel shirts.
The general paucity of mid-thigh shorts, that are neither too long nor too short. Not all shorts need to be synonymous with “denim underwear.”
As already noted, any shoes that seek to destroy feet rather than protect them.
Finally, the “fatal X factor”—an awkward ruffle, an asymmetrical neckline, random metal studs, odd cut-outs, anything mustard yellow, a shirt with a short front but long back, or otherwise any “weird” final touch that attempts to make a garment unique but ruins it instead. Sometimes a shirt can just be a shirt.
I, therefore, a sole voice on the interwebs, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, solemnly publish and declare, that shopping for clothes can be a real hassle. If I have missed any grievances, please by all means write them in the comments below.