Dear Person Who Just Unfriended Me On Facebook

Hello ex-friend.

I’d like to congratulate you. Your passive-aggressive way of ending our friendship took some real guts.

Well, well, well. You thought I’d never find out what you did, huh? You didn’t count on me having that “Who Deleted Me” app on my Chrome browser, didja? Well, I do, so joke’s on you. I know EXACTLY what you did. You unfriended me on Facebook, and I’m never gonna forget it. 

So tell me, what was it? What did you hate so much about me that you decided to forever cut ties? Because ex-buddy, I hope you understand there’s no going back from this.

Was I not witty enough for you? Did you not think my grocery store story was funny? Did you not appreciate my honesty? Like this status right here:

January 2017

My outfit at the moment would’ve most definitely gotten me on the show “What Not to Wear.”

 

Come on! Everyone’s out there producing highly curated versions of their lives or pushing inspirational quotes while I’m here demanding more of our television networks:

August 2016 during the Rio Olympics

Dear NBC, 

Do you mind over emphasizing the marital status, age, and # of children of all the male athletes? It’s great that you already do so for the women, but I’m looking to put a ring on it. 

K, thanks. Bye.

 

And you gotta admit, following my travels around the world has been fascinating:

April 2014

Argentina Day 12: I never believed in love at first sight…until today. It was like something out of a movie; there we were in a little Argentinian cafe, at just the right moment, just the right time. And out of the 2.8 million people in this city, I’m so happy that I ran into him because I just knew he was the one. We stared into each other’s eyes, blue-green met dark brown. He smiled. I smiled. He spoke in his smooth, Porteño accent. I blushed awkwardly. It was all so awkward actually. And I couldn’t help but think, “Is this true love?” Nah, just an April Fool’s joke.

 

Or is it that I’m always posting about my blog and pushing everyone to like my new Facebook page? Okay, I’ll admit that probably gets old quick. But hey, at least I’ve avoided posting long political rants. Instead, I offer these neat observations:

January 2017

Judging by the number of opposing political views on my newsfeed, I’m convinced that if I ever hosted a dinner for all my Facebook friends, I’d be lucky if the worst that happened were if someone left with mashed potatoes in their hair.

(By the way, you are no longer invited to my hypothetical dinner party…)

I don’t get it, and I probably never will. I know that we haven’t actually seen each other in person in almost eight years, and that we only ever hung out that one time at summer camp. Yes, I know I’ve also unfriended people, and admittedly, I also downsize my friend list every few years, especially when I don’t recognize someone’s name anymore. But out of the kindness of my heart, I skipped over your name. Thus, I never imagined YOU would do this to ME. I deserved better.

All I know is that when I hit it big, and I’m posting pictures with all my celebrity friends, (actually, most of my good friends want to be doctors, engineers, and professors… so when I’m posting pictures with a bunch of doctors, engineers, and doctors who can’t help you in a medical crisis), you will SO rue the day you deleted me.

Sincerely,

Your Biggest Regret

 

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6 thoughts on “Dear Person Who Just Unfriended Me On Facebook

  1. Can I vicariously enjoy your seething outrage for a little while? It’s nice to warm my hands, metaphorically speaking, in someone else’s burning ire.

  2. “But out of the kindness of my heart, I skipped over your name. Thus, I never imagined YOU would do this to ME. I deserved better.”
    Well, of course you did, and do, deserve better. There is no one who could deny it.
    Except, of course, the person who dumped you.
    “Judging by the number of opposing political views on my newsfeed, I’m convinced that if I ever hosted a dinner for all my Facebook friends, I’d be lucky if the worst that happened were if someone left with mashed potatoes in their hair.”
    I am suddenly being overwhelmed on WP with brilliant, witty, people like you.
    Why is this happening.?

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